Halo Party Time
, , , , , Mass Effect 3, Borderlands 2, Gears of War 3, Star Wars: Battlefront II, Space Marine, Dawn of War 2: Retribution, Team Fortress 2, Cards Against Humanity |side1=Halo Fanon Team |side2= *The Internet *Xbox Live Community |commanders1= * * |commanders2=Unknown |forces1= *Twelve ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** |forces2= *Over 2 Billion people *Roughly 46 million Xbox players *Innumerable Bots |casual1=Many (respawns available) |casual2=Many (respawns available) }} wyz_2DEah4o Halo Party Time is the name given to a series of online battles fought over Xbox Live and the Interet between the community there and a team of well-trained, highly skilled, and mature group of Halo Fanon operators, beginning in late 2012. Since then they have ventured all over the galaxy (sort of) and battled many foes and faced a number of hardships in their constant fight against other players and in-game AI. Rules of Halo Party Time While our games are full of nonsensical, anarchic fun and the occasional bout of butthurt, even we must abide by a few distinct rules that bind us together, and all that crap. Rule 1 - Have fun, or else. Rule 2 - NO POLITICAL DISCUSSIONS I SWEAR TO GOD DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE. Rule 3 - Whatever happens to us in a game, it's probably Colin's fault. Or Lancer's. Even when it's not. Especially when it's not. Rule 4 - More Cowbell is always needed. Never suggest that there is enough Cowbell. Rule 5 - No Teabagging. Except when it's funny. Rule 6 - Never speak about that one time. Ever. Rule 7 - Never suggest that Sarah Palmer is in any way likeable or worthy of respect. Rule 8 - Do not mention Ghosts when Stel is in the party. You will regret it. Rule 9 - We must never finish a game of Firefight in Halo 3: ODST. Someone will always leave before we run out of lives. Rule 10 - Do the impossible, see the invisible, ROW! ROW! FIGHT THE POWAH! Touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable, ROW! ROW! FIGHT THE POWAH! Battle Reports Report One: Tactics Our first official HPT report comes from the battlefields of . As our brave heroes (Brodie, Sniper, Lancer and Colin) traversed the war-torn land known as , they became embroiled in a battle with the dastardly Red TeamOr the Blue Team, I can't remember. Following a brief skirmish in which the foul enemy team took the high ground, Brodie came up with a plan unheard of in all the years of Halo: They would use tactics. After poring through dusty tomes of knowledge thought to be lost, this word referred to the use of intelligent thought and planning in making an attack. While the villains lurked above, Brodie led his brave companions up a small, stair-like path, remaining crouched to stay out of radar focus. Once they reached the top, Halo Fanon's finest were able to acquire the fabled from its cradle, and used both this revered weapon and the element of surprise to overwhelm the foe with an attack from behind. What followed was a massacre as the filthy enemy team tried again and again to reclaim their ground, only to be repelled again and again until the day was won. 'Tactics' had proven useful for our heroes as they continued their journey through the realms of Xbox Live. Report Two: Unforgivable Crime During a heated battle in the never-ending war between Red and Blue, our magnificent heroes had taken up position in , a battlefield they knew well from ages past that had returned in . The team, which then consisted of Brodie, Colin, Stel, Anon, and Sniper, with some mercenaries recruited from elsewhere, were making a dramatic push across the battlefield, slaughtering all in their path. As Brodie led the way with his sniper rifle, a close-combat weapon useful for any vanguard, our own brother Stel was making his way forward atop a . While Brodie doled out headshots like free candy and led the charge, how could he have planned for this? Stel pushed his vehicle into overdrive and swiftly splattered his comrade, Brodie's body decorating it like a trophy as he cut through enemy lines in an instant. Following the battle, the members of the HF-Team were forced to remove what remained with a spatula. Lik dis if u crai ever tim. Report Three: Rage Against the Lancer It is not only the multiplayer world that brings grief, misery and the occasional bout of butthurt to our mighty heroes. On the of , a crack team featuring Brodie, Colin, Sniper and Lancer were making one final effort to defeat the Flood threat once and for all after a reasonably nice campaign. Things went well, all things considered. Until the final run. During this period, our 'frenemy' Lancer did something completely unexpected, unbelievable, unlikable, and a bunch of other things beginning with 'un-'. He drove on. As the chart will no doubt show you, one team mate in particular was slightly miffed at this, as his crime led to death after death for him and the others, who were left far enough behind that they repeatedly fell into the abyss. Pissed off, said member voiced his anger in a rather vocal way throughout the warthog run. After a lengthy torrent of abuse, Lancer seemingly had a change of heart and slowed down just a little. In response, Brodie threw a ball of hope that slowed Lancer down a little more, allowing him to climb into the passenger's seat and settle their differences in a calm, collected and civilized manner. Lancer then watched from the death screen as the surviving trio escaped to the Forward Unto Dawn, thus ending the campaign and bringing about another victory for the HF-Team. Huzzah. Report Four: Because Fuck You Our fourth, and rather short battlefield report comes from Halo 4's campaign, in which Sniper, Actene and Brodie attempted to traverse the . After casually breezing through foes the usual way, a came into view across a chasm, surrounded by enemies. Brodie and Actene immediately charged forward and plunged headlong into a pit when they attempted to jump across. After being laughed at by a sniping Sniper they respawned and made a mad dash for their purple-winged prize. By the will of the Gods chance, Brodie managed to leap aboard the flying machine first and took off, letting out a laugh as he took off into the sky. Seeing his saddened comrade confined to the primitive act of walking on two feet, Brodie decided that if they couldn't fly, he wouldn't. It was in this moment that he decided to murder the ground, and there was one foolproof way to do that. Unfortunately, he greatly misjudged the strength of his steed and exploded upon contact before Actene's eyes. The hunt for a second Banshee for Actene took place shortly after this, but like the first soon proved to be a failure when after taking two stunning plasma bolts, the second beast was vaporized by Sniper. Why? because of reasons, that's why. Report Five: Drive Me Closer! Urged on by his mighty Battle Brothers, Brodie decided to purchase Star Wars: Battlefront II from Steam, a game he remembered fondly from his youth. Joined by Stel and Anonymous, he created an online game for them to battle in, fuelled by nostalgia and copious amounts of Doge. After fighting across the galaxy for some time, the group took part in the invasion of an ice planet while in the Emperor'sNo, not that one, the other one. service. During an all-out assault on a rebel base, Brodie commandeered a giant robot camel while Stel took up the mantle of Dark Lord of the Sith, his black-armoured form slicing through enemy defences and taking out emplacements with childish glee. Brodie, on the other hand, was sniping Wookies at a distance with a very big laser. As they drew closer to the base and victory seemed in sight, Darth Stel came up with the mighty plan of merging man and machine even closer. Using his mastery of the Sith arts, he leapt atop the AT-AT's head and took up his position, swinging his lightsaber towards the ant-like rebels swarming below. Alas, this had little effect from afar, so brother Stel gave the order. Surprisingly, this tactic turned out to work, and what ensued was a curb stomp battle of epic proportions. You can't spell slaughter without laughter! Report Six: The Magnificent Seven After many decent turnouts over a number of weeks, the Halo Fanon crew had it's biggest set of games yet. Journeying to the familiar battlefields of Halo: Reach, the team - originally consisting of Stel, Actene, Sniper, Brodie and Colin, prepared for a set of regular fights against the nefarious Xbox Live community. As they prepared to launch their assault, they were joined by Ell, who accompanied the crew into battle for the first time. Shortly afterwards, Lancer arrived, bringing our mighty group up to seven people. What occurred was a series of massacres as the group won victory after victory against the hordes of random online players, braving team killers, bothersome marksmen and the odd kamikaze attack in a series of awesome games. This was generally considered to be one of the most successful HPT events in recent memory, proving the badass credentials of everyone involved. Report Seven: Colin vs. The World Venturing once more to the battlegrounds of Halo: Reach, the team, consisting of Brodie, Colin, Stel, and ASniper, decided to complete the entire campaign, however; there was a twist, it was to be done... in reverse! The team's goal of pushing the Covenant off of Reach began with the bloodbath that is . As soon as the game started, the team spread out despite Brodie's constant pleading to stay put, and soon faced the consequences. Slowly but surely, Covenant forces entered the area, and Stel soon a need for assistance. As Sniper ran to assist, it was too little too late, as Stel was overwhelmed and thoroughly beaten to death. Around the same time, Colin and Brodie were pinned down inside of Colin's , having just eliminated a carrying an , Brodie ran out to acquire the coveted and powerful weapon before his shields and health had fully recharged, and was suddenly felled by a barrage of , leaving Colin and Sniper as the only survivors, with multiple closing in on the two beleaguered Spartans. While Colin was on the move, trying to stay ahead of the large group of very, scary aliens, ASniper was safely hidden away in the attic of a nearby building. Soon however, they figured out a way to circumvent his hiding spot, and drove him out. Once he was exposed, he briefly linked up with the fleeing aqua Spartan to enter the protective and regenerative sphere of his Drop Shield. The calm inside the bubble wouldn't last as it soon collapsed under the stream of Covenant plasma, forcing the two to flee once more. While Colin was busy teaching ballet to the Covenant Army, ASniper was soon cornered by the marauding xenos forces, forcing him to expend his remaining munitions, as well as several power weapons. While managing to hold them off for a few more minutes, it proved futile, as he was mercilessly slaughtered, leaving Colin alone. Feeling fleet-footed, Colin ducked and dodged, swished and stabbed, felling many of the Covenant's greatest warriors with their own weapons. Trusting on his Drop Shield to keep him fit for battle, he survived for another four minutes on his own, relying on his Drop Shield to keep him fit for combat. It was only after being cornered inside his protective bubble by three Elites, and fifteen waiting outside, that he was finally brought down. Report Eight: Emperor's "Finest" Upon celebration of Colin finally acquiring Dawn of War 2: Retribution, Stel, Anonymous and Colin all decided to celebrate by slapping the hell out of some Tyranids on Multiplayer, with their respective Space Marine chapters. Within the derelict halls of the Judgement of Carrion, the dreaded and mysterious Dark Angels under the staunch advice of Stel's Force Commander began their advance into Tyranid territory, while the sombre and grim Doom Eagles led by an Apothecary under the will of Anonymous moved throughout the terrain, and the staunch, stubborn and stoic Aetherian Warriors belonging to Colin and under the supervision of another Force Commander began their assault. Little did they know what await them. The Tyranids of various Hive Fleets nesting inside the Space Hulk were all set to Hard mode, consisting of a Hive Tyrant, a Ravener Alpha and a Lictor Alpha. While they were aware of the difficulty of the situation, nothing could prepare the three beleaguered Chapters for the forces of Tyranids that would bear down upon them. With their Requisition and Power Node points all "borrowed" by the Tyranids, the force was crippled early on. While the Aetherian Warriors attempted to besiege the Tyranids with a triplet of Predators armed with Lascannons, Terminator assaults and actual tactics, it was not enough. While the Doom Eagles were pushed all the way back to base, consistently besieged by Swarmlord after Carnifex and Carnifex after Swarmlord, until the Doom Eagles Apothecary could do no more. The Dark Angels built up enough Zeal from fighting enemy units to call in a total of four Terminator Squads, two standard and two Assault. The flashes of Lightning Claws, the blazing of Heavy Flamers and the heavenly booming of rockets freeing themselves from the tubes of Cyclone Missile Launchers soon followed, allowing the two other Chapters to do the rest of their work. With enough effort, much screaming and even more Swarmlords, the Tyranids were finally purged from the Space Hulk. Or atleast, that's what we think happened. Report Nine: NIDZNIDZNIDZNIDZNIDZNIDZNIDZ On the weekend prior to Christmas, Colin decided to start playing primarily as the Imperial Guard in Dawn of War 2: Retribution. As a result of this, he decided to create a fanon Guard Regiment and a fanon campaign for said regiment to fight in. He forced requested Anon to aid him in the creation of this campaign, and together they agreed that they would act out the events of the campaign in the Retribution mod Destroyer40k. For the first few battles of the newly christened Reclamation of Pravinius, Colin's 276th Pravini Mechanized Infantry Regiment and Anon's Doom Eagles 4th Company fought against the forces of weaboo space communists the Tau, and (barring a disasterous five hour bloodbath which ultimately ended in an Imperial defeat and the Exterminatus of Pravinius VIII one minor hiccup) things were going well. However, Anon soon became tired of fighting the tank-spamming weeaboo space communists with vagina foreheads Tau, and thus introduced Tyranid Hive Fleet Behemoth into the conflict. After "discovering" the forces of Hive Fleet Behemoth in the jungles of Pravinius III, Anon and Colin, with the help of their friend Shnooze and her Cadians, the battle seemed to go well for awhile. The three managed to claim the majority of the resource points fairly early on, and it seemed that achieving victory over the Tyranids was only a matter of time. But as Shnooze and Colin pushed towards the northernmost power node, they were suddenly attacked by a swarm of Gaunt, Warrior, and Ravener bioforms rushing in from the east, supported by Tyrant Guards. The Tyranids quickly overwhelmed Colin's armored units, and Anon was forced to DEHP deep strike Assault Terminators to push back the attackers. It was brutal, but the tactic succeeded, and the majority of the Tyranids were forced into a retreat. Anon called his Terminator squad back to his Land Raider not too far south of the power node, while Shnooze moved in a number of Guardsmen infantry and Leman Russ Battle Tanks, securing the node. The Tyranids would return in force later, however, and although Shnooze was able to hold the power node for several minutes, she was ultimately forced to retreat in order to save her tanks. Anon intervened, despite Colin and Shnooze's insistence that it was too late. Anon sent a Predator Annihilator to engage the swarm of Tyranids chasing Shnooze's retreating armor, while moving his Land Raider and Terminators, as well as a Devastator squad, to take the node while the bulk of the Tyranids swarmed his Predator tank. Inevitably, the Predator was overrun and destroyed, but not before Anon's Devastator Marines had reclaimed the power node. Upon returning to the power node, the Tyranids were greeted by a hail of bolter and lascannon fire, with the Assault Terminators purging any filthy beasts that managed to survive the barrage. But the victory was short-lived. The Tyranids changed tactics, retaliating with a truly crippling two-stage assault. First, they rushed the requisition point near the center of the battlefield. Anon pulled his Land Raider back to engage them, while Shnooze dropped several heavy turrets to keep pressure on the Tyranid attackers as she and Colin moved their tanks in. This seemed to work, but as the swarm began to thin, the Tyranids suddenly swarmed the southern part of the battlefield, where most of the Imperial Guard's forces where located, primarily armor. With Anon preoccupied with securing the north end of the map, the Great Devourer wrought havoc on the Imperial Guard. Desperate, Anon, having secured the northern half of the map, commanded his Land Raider and Terminator Squads to push on to the Tyranid hives, instructing Colin to position his Manticore artillery to fire on the southernmost hive. Unfortunately, Colin's Manticores were overrun by Genestealers and destroyed before they were able to get within firing range, forcing Anon to assault the hive without the benefit of Colin's Manticore artillery support. Shnooze attempted to aid Anon by deploying Valkyries to drop heavy turrets near Anon's forces as they neared the hive, as well as using a Basilisk artillery barrage to thin the Tyranid swarm. Nevertheless, some of the Gaunts and many of the hardier bioforms managed to survive the barrage, and it was not long before Anon's Land Raider was reduced to scrap metal and his Terminators to Tyranid chow. Despite the odds, most of the map remained in Imperial hands, with the Tyranids only controlling a handful of resource points. But the Emperor's brave soldiers found themselves at a disadvantage; with much of their armor destroyed and their infantry weakened, their forces had to be spread thin in order to maintain a grip on their resources. Worse yet, they were low on Requisition, having spent a considerable portion of it on reinforcing their dwindling infantry units. And when the Tyranids overtook Anon's forces in the north, taking the resource points and carving an easy path directly to the Imperial bases, all seemed lost. But Anon was not fazed, even as the Tyranids swarmed his base, slaughtering his infantry and laying waste to his defenses. Biding his time, he called in another Terminator Assault Squad to push back the swarm, buying time for Imperium's fine men to regroup and strategize. Anon and Colin dedicated their resources towards offense, building heavy armored units with which to smash through the swaths of vile Tyranids, as well as light infantry to repair these vehicles. Shnooze dedicated her resources primarily to defense and support, constructing turrets, fortifying the western half of the map, and calling in the occasional artillery barrage or bombing run when needed. Anon would utilize Land Raiders and Terminators with which to attack the enemy base, while Colin used Manticores to bombard the Tyranid hives and thin the enemy infantry which crowded around the hives in great numbers. A bitter struggle followed, lasting nearly two hours. But by the time that only one hive remained standing, the relentless waves of bloodthirsty Tyranid bioforms had thinned to the point that Imperial forces could begin reclaiming resource points, increasing the rate at which they could build units. Ultimately, the Imperium was able to surround the final hive and the majority of the remaining Tyranids with heavy armor, with which they finally blasted the unholy horrors of Great Devourer to oblivion. Exhausted, Colin, Anon, and Shnooze surveyed the scorched, blasted, cratered, and bloodspattered landscape and quickly came to one final conclusion: NO MORE FUCKING TYRANIDS. tl;dr: Warhammer 40,000 stuff happened. Report Ten: My Little Party Time: Necrophilia is Magic This report comes from one of our many forays into the realm of Halo: Reach. Our team at the time consisted of Lancer, Brodie, Anon, Colin and Ell, fighting through many battles before encountering a foul enemy in the online world. While his rather unfortunate name 'bieber die now' wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it was his bad habit of humping corpses that annoyed our heroes. Being the best possible examples of mankind anywhere ever, several membersBasically just Brodie decided that the only way to punish this necrophile for his virtual crimes was to pay him back in kind. As such, while battling on the Boneyard map the team took their chance after most of their foe's team left the game, obviously too weak to combat their awesome battle skills. Soon, only our foe and two others remained to assault the base. Spotting the serial-teabagger creeping up on the base, Brodie leapt down and assassinated him. While he waited to respawn, he called over Lancer and Colin to share in the fun and happiness as the trio smashed the corpse to pieces with their codpieces. Because as we all know, the only way to deal with teabaggers isn't to ignore them, but to sink to even worse levels of depravity and pay them back in kind. What fun. Report Eleven: The Jinx T'was on a partly-cloudy Saturday afternoon that the light-colored bird linked up with HPT regulars ASniper, Actene, and finally Colin to be initiated through trial by fire. The day started off well, with the four-man band skunking all comers in Reach's Invasion mode even without the help of their two unnecessary, lazy-ass, AFK teammates. When they shifted into Infection games, however, their luck did not seem to follow them. After several rounds spent being split up between zombies and survivors (during which Sniper laughed his head off whilst repeatedly shooting zombie-Colin in teh head), all four finally wound up on the surviving side at once. Rejoicing in light of having four such skilled players united, Kestrl voiced his belief that high scores would soon rain down from the heavens. Even as he spoke, however, Colin found himself the first to be taken by a zombie's blade, no more than mere seconds after the round had begun. With chagrin, he then shrugged it off and consoled his remaining teammates that at least three of them were still alive. Of course, seconds later, Sniper found himself the next victim to be taken as Colin at last exacted his vengeance. Noticing the correlation, Kestrl decided to test the theory forming in each HPT member's mind by saying, "At least I've still got Actene." Immediately after despite his cry of alarmed protest ("Screw you, I'm out of here!"), Actene found himself victim to the curse before he could escape as he fell before a zombie's blade. Although amused by his discovery, the enjoyment was short-lived, as Sniper, Actene, and Colin proceeded to attack en masse and overrun him. The lesson to be learned here is NEVER TO LET KESTRL SAY ANYTHING POSITIVE. Naturally, as befitting any member of HPT, he regrets nothing. Following their harrowing brush with the undead, the intrepid party decided to venture into the far less violent world of in search of fame and, more importantly, fortune. They quickly realized that their new profession was just as hazardous, if not more so, than the killing fields they had just departed. Another discovery made early on was the addition of jet packs to Halo's national pastime, creating an environment that some might refer to as being similar to a game played by college nerds worldwide, though it was mutually agreed upon that the inclusion of bone-crushing hammers and alien lightsabers made everything much less dorky. What followed was a series of one-sided asskickings, interspersed with a handful of one-sided asskickings coming from the other side of the playing field. The valiant athletes hacked and slashed their way through game after game, during which they agreed that Grifball is actually an elaborate front for Insurrectionist field training. After the evening's Grifball season and drawn to a close, the party was rewarded for their efforts, as is customary in professional sports, with a boatload of cash. And there was much rejoicing. Report Twelve: The Battle of Jacobi Colin fucked up in some game. That is all. Report Thirteen: Earth's Mightiest Stupidest Heroes It was a dark time for the HPT crew. Brodie, Colin, Sniper, and Actene had their backs against the wall at the fortress of Anvil Gate, fighting back the Locust and Lambent hordes while discussing Colonel Hoffman's questionable defensive strategies, the rather pregnable nature of the so-called impregnable fortress, and the merits of Karen Traviss's writing abilities. Pitted against a roided up Lambent Berserker, three of the squad members took up arms against the rampaging beast while Actene did his best to valiantly keep as many buildings, obstacles, and teammates meat-shields between himself and the fighting. Faced with the most irritating boss in the Gears of War franchise (it was decided that this was Karen Traviss's fault) and several checkpoint-resetting deaths (it was decided that these were Colin's fault), the crew decided to enact the timeless and wholly legitimate strategy of the rage quit. Furious that the game had obviously conspired to unfairly defeat them, Brodie suggested a challenge more worthy of HPT's elite qualifications: a Halo 3 campaign runthrough on Easy. This valiant crusade started out well enough. Earth, the most invaded planet in the galaxy, had indeed been invaded by the Covenant fleet and it was up to the HPT team to see if the game did indeed play itself on the Easy setting. Brodie assumed the role of the last Spartan this one random Spartan called Master Chief while Actene donned the armor of the holy alien warrior known as the Arbiter. Colin and Sniper then became those two other aliens with detailed backstories that nobody really cares about and may or may not even be canon anymore. Fighting through the African jungle with ease befitting warriors of their stature, the team mercilessly cut down scores of Covenant soldiers and agreed that for all his bluster, Johnson sure does get captured a lot and that for a vicious empire known for not taking prisoners the Covenant sure does take prisoners a lot. With the sergeant rescued (again) the team set out to regroup with humanity's most capable tactician, Miranda Keyes, at the impregnable fortress known as Crow's Nest. Upon arriving in this last bastion of the human resistance, the team agreed that the opening cutscene was full of innuendo and that Miranda should really be more specific when directing her forces, as "to war" is not a valid address when plugged into a GPS system. Unfortunately, Crow's Nest turned out to be just as pregnable as Anvil Gate and the team once again set out to plug the breach while hoping the lambent Berserker hadn't jumped games for Round Five. But as they made their way towards the fighting, they were shocked when the friendly neighborhood Marines turned their guns on them and opened fire. Unbeknownst to the rest of the team, they had a traitor in their midst: Actene had, shockingly, remained behind in the control center, seized a rifle, and proceeded to slaughter every Marine in site. While Actene laughed his ass off, the rest of the team fought their way through Covenant and Marines alike to secure the hangar bay. Fortunately, the Marines were a forgiving sort and decided that aliens who randomly kill you once in a while were better than aliens who randomly kill you all the time. But Actene's treachery only gave way to more shenanigans. With the hangar secured, Colin and Sniper began to engage in the timeless Sangheili custom of taking turns at killing each other. As the anthropologically inclined Brodie classified this activity as "some sort of mating ritual," the team somehow managed to fight their way through the rest of the base while dealing with the newfound peril of surprise backstabbing. For the second time that night, the team became privy to the genius military strategy of "blowing up a huge bomb in the middle of your own base" and had to flee out through the base of the mountain. In the biggest plot twist of gaming in 2014, the team actually managed to do a halfway decent job of making it down Tsavo Highway in spite of annoying rush hour Covenant traffic and arriving at the town of Voi in order to assist with Lord Hood's brilliant plan of launching a full-on assault against the entire Covenant fleet with three frigates and a few Longsword squadrons (clearly humanity's military high command was just as competent as the HPT task force doing its grunt work). This celebration of military competence was interrupted when the Flood crashed the party. The team sprang into action, surprising everyone by actually saving some Marines before linking up with the Elites to save Cortana's fragment from the crashed Flood ship. Report Fourteen: The Ponana/Batato In August of 2014, Colin, Ajax, ASniper, and Anon would join forces against the Reapers in Mass Effect 3's multiplayer. This went expectedly terrible. Ajax and ASniper (but mostly Ajax) carried the team while Colin screamed and cried whenever anything tougher than a basic trooper tried to attack him, and while Anon did much of the same whilst simultaneously attempting to relearn the controls. Anon began to do slightly better when he decided to play his preferred (albeit incredibly underpowered) Human Male Soldier build, but this caused him to be bullied mercilessly criticized by Ajax due to the fact that he chose to wield the basic M-8 Avenger assault rifle. Finally, Anon would get fed up with Ajax's constant verbal abuse take Ajax's suggestions into consideration and change to his newly acquired Volus Adept character. Unfortunately for Anon, everybody decided to ready up while he was setting up his character, and the game started before he was able to save his build. This had the incredibly unfortunate consequence of forcing Anon to play the next match while stuck as a power-dependent character who had no useful biotic powers, but who did have minimal barriers or health and nothing to defend himself with except an SMG which was only effective at close range. The fact that Anon's character was a member of a diminutive alien species with a round, pudgy body and stubby arms and legs only added insult to injury. And thus began a long, entertaining match consisting largely of Anon screaming obscenities at friend and foe alike while running around the map and getting downed EVERY. THIRTY. FUCKING. SECONDS. FUCK. Following this match, Anon decided not to have an aneurysm and stopped playing Mass Effect 3 for a while, and the other three went off to play an all Volus match, although presumably with characters that were not completely and utterly useless. Report Fifteen: All Your Base Will Be Built By Us In the early days of September, a call was given to gather the members of HPT for a much needed reunion upon the battlegrounds of Halo 4. All concurred, but when the day at last came, numerous users were missing or delayed. Ajax presided over the lobby and gathered the best team he could: LOMI, Brodie and ASniper. With others taking their sweet time to arrive, they embarked on a great and noble quest: to shamelessly grind for challenges set out and defeat Spartan Ops. Loading up the first chapter of Episode 6, the quartet was struck immediately by their greatest foe: lag. Battling through the alien hordes, Ajax destroyed them with sheer terror at his gribbliness while LOMI staggered around, half-blinded by low frame rates. Despite this, the team pressed on and all went well until Ajax gained a Ghost. It was then that LOMI suddenly discovered his secret Ghost-attracting powers, causing Ajax to repeatedly splatter his ally again and again. Resigned to his fate, LOMI survived the unwilling team kills as best he could while the rest of the HPT'ers cut a path through the Covenant. Eventually, the team succeeded, and with the arrival of Stel they decided that it was at time to quit killing LOMI with Ghosts move on to a more noble task: forming the Grand Fortress Headquarters of the Halo Fanon Empire. What happened next was sheer madness, no doubt from the high-quantity of Admin Ego. Loading into Forge Island, shenanigans began immediately as giant green walls and flying Mantises rained from the sky, countered by Scorpions used flying hammers and Spartan Laser sniping. In a bid to stop the chaos, LOMI called upon the ancient fanservicey powers of the Sen-I-Soshitsu and summoned a massive scissor blade to cut through his opponents... this was, sadly, less than effective. ASniper also attempted to quell the chaos by spawning the gigantic Sniping Tree - his variation of the Giving Tree - but again, this only agitated the problem. Brodie, meanwhile, took the pacifist's route and retreated to a low corner of the map where he began to build his own small fortress, the "HPT Clubhouse." Unfortunately, Ajax was less than impressed. In fact, he decided that trolling on Brodie and toying with the clubhouse was far more fun than the war above, until the war moved down to the clubhouse itself. True tragedy struck, however, when Stel added not just one but all of the visual effects to the map... and then promptly lost them in the chaos, unable to revert the changes. After several minutes of screaming and blame pointing, LOMI and Brodie managed to unlock and delete everything, resetting the world and the task to square one. When efforts began again, a massive fortress was planned instead of small pieces everywhere. Ajax began masterminding it while LOMI added onto it and Brodie built a new private residence, completely with friendly Kill Balls. All was going well, until ASniper and Stel put their minds together and began attacking everyone with the most dastardly of all forms of weapons: the fabled flying Australian machine gunner. What happened next is unsure, but in the end, all was destroyed and bodies lay everywhere. The lesson to be learned here is that, no matter what, Australian's should never be given machine guns. Halo Fanon Team Bios WARNING: ALL THE BIOS YOU SEE BELOW ARE 100% FACT. PROBABLY. Brodie *Big Boss *High Lord of Yhudu IV |gender=Male |height=6'1 |weapons=Words |equipment= |vehicles=Double-Decker Bus |hair=Brown |eyes=Blue |augment=Spaghettification PowersNot to be confused with actual Spaghettification, Brodie just has powers over regular Spaghetti. And meatballs, of course. |cyber= |medical= *apathy|Apathetic *Insomniac |era=Various |types= |notable= *Cannot dance to the Macarena. *Can cook minute rice in 58 seconds. *Has battled Keith Chegwin/ on many occasions.I need to explain this bullshit. Chegwin was once a television presenter on GMTV, an early-morning breakfast show that Brodie would watch as a child. After first playing Halo 2 at his cousin's house at the age of 9/10, Tartarus was referred to as 'Cheggers' for some bizarre reason. So yeah, stupid bullshit. *Has an embarrassing love for ''Come Dine With Me''. *Once beat a man to death for disliking Pacific Rim. *Defecates solid cement bricks occasionally due to Shnooze. |affiliation=Halo Fanon Team }} Born on a planet far, far away from Earth, Brodie originally belonged to the dominant race there until he was disqualified (for shoving) at a young age. From there, he was raised by wolves until he became old enough to look after himself. He was eventually able to build a functioning spaceship out of rocks, twigs, wolf hide and a lack of scientific understanding and used it to travel to a backwater planet named Earth. Brodie arrived on this strange planet as an old man in the year 499, and was immediately struck by lightening after stepping out of his ramshackle spacecraft. Luckily, Brodie survived due to unknown reasons and was miraculously rejuvenated as a young man. The next few centuries were rather boring, largely due to a lack of internet connection and such. Brodie attempted to travel around the globe, but only made it to Calais before turning back to the small, rainy island he called home. Things got relatively interesting in the 16th Century when a number of extraterrestrial beings attacked nearby. He was abducted and taken to Yhudu IV, a planet populated entirely by creatures that resembled Deer, but had a unique biology that functioned like Spaghetti. It turned out that Brodie had been abducted to broker a truce between the denizens of Yhudu IV and their mortal enemies, who had been fighting with them for centuries. After lengthy negotiations, he was able to win the war, though he died in the process. Because of reasons, this rebirth gave him unique spaghettification powers, which he used to transport the remaining Weedians to Earth where they could live in peace. He was declared High Lord of Yhudu IV, but soon got bored and returned to Earth a few months later. Brodie's skills as a pilot had not improved with age He amused himself on the island of Madagascar for sixty years, fighting off settlers and defending the delicious indigenous species, which he kept for himself. Sadly they all somehow perished; they were certainly not eaten. Brodie's life was then spent trying to get back home, something that took a long time due to him getting lost while sailing and ending up in Uruguay. The next few centuries passed quietly, barring the various wars, plagues, strife and so on occurring elsewhere. In the early 20th Century, he began sailing up the Atlantic Ocean with the intent of returning home, but was rudely interrupted when a larger boat struck his. Annoyed by this, Brodie decided to fire off a warning shot of concentrated spaghetti, and accidentally sunk it. He was thrown from his own craft and died of hypothermia in the ocean that very night. His sixth resurrection occurred soon after, is corpse sealed within a tomb of hardened spaghetti for a number of weeks until he ended up on the mainland. With a frightening near-death experience behind him, he managed to gain passage to Italy after some confusion, though he believed that this was largely due to the Spaghetti he had turned up wielding. The adventures during this two year period could be listed here, but won't be because of reasonsDeal with it.. The rest of the 20th Century was rather turbulent for Brodie, from a holiday in Serbia being ruined in 1914 to an unfortunate misunderstanding over a missile delivery order a few decades later. Brodie managed to finally get back to England in 1990 after being imprisoned behind a bothersome obstacle in Eastern Europe. He soon felt at home and re-integrated into the culture he had been away from for hundreds of years. The next few years were spent living in this modern society from the safety of his lair deep beneath the streets of London. Brodie became very interested in video games towards the dawn of the 21st Century, particularly one that he believed to be based on his own life years ago.You live a few hundred years and your memory gets hazy. I never got a thank you, either. Years on the Internet led to his involvement in a number of trends over the years, during which he stumbled across a quaint little website for writing. Following several years as part of the community there, Brodie was among the founding members of the HF-Team when it formed in 2012. For several reasons he was elected as the group leader after a unanimous vote glorious revolution divine intervention Colin said so. While not leading this motley group on the battlefield, he enjoys writing excessively long character biographies. Like this one. Colin *CEO of Davis Inc. *Second-in-Command |gender=Male |height= |weapons=*M6135 assault rifle * * |equipment=*M8532 Body Armor * |vehicles=*UH-1523 Utility Helicopter *Apatomasaurus |hair=Brown |eyes=Brown |augment=Davis Inc. Mk CXLII Mental Augmentations |cyber=Davis Inc. Mk CCLXXIV Neural Uplink |medical= |era=All of them |types= |notable= *Is totally not evil *Owner of a multi-googolplex dollar/multi-dimensional company of awesome *Eternal enemies of MC Hammer |affiliation=Davis Incorporated }} Born in the timeline now being retroactively referred to as Earth-142, Colin founded and led a great corporation of massive proportions, known as Davis Inc. The company made many advances in technology. During a test for experimental dimension crossing technology, Colin fell into the portal, which was followed by the spontaneous destruction of the portal generator. He woke up in the midst of a battle between , when several individuals turned to him with their weapons raised, he lashed out, disarming one them with his advanced Davis Inc. augmentations, using , he quickly decimated the team. Bewildered by this new, strange world he found himself in, he set out on a journey to locate a way back to his own world. Stel but with actual character development. Oh, and we've all been hit on the head as children.|Stel, on the other hand, is a little more optimistic when it comes to the team.}} *The Line-Breaker *Weaponry Department Head in Davic Inc. |gender=Male |height= Sorta short |weapons= Snide remarks |equipment= Beard |vehicles= Wheelie chair |hair=Brown |eyes=Blue-Grey |augment= *Time travel (chronomancy) - may or may not be the 13th Doctor *Teatray summoning *Double-jointed left thumb |cyber= |medical= *Slightly unhinged |era=Various |types= |notable= *Can dance perfectly to Gangnam Style *Once beat a man to death using only his thumb *Went to sleep one day with an Australian accent and woke up with an English one |affiliation= Himself, Davis Inc. }} From the mildly nippy climate of South-East Australia comes the wild "Stellar", whose name is feared by all, and is both the saviour and the destroyer. First coming into his own in early 2010, The Stellar graced the wikia with naivety, but quickly grew savvy and became a machinator in his own right, winning a singular Annual Award by the end of his golden age. He disappeared the following two years, but the long-awaited prophecy has been answered: he was return in late 2012 to begin a crusade of writeousness. True to his heart, The Stellar causes cacophony and destruction upon the battle with the biggest, most-difficult-to-use-practically weapons, as well as automatic weaponry. His cheerful, boisterous attitude welcomes others and an intellectual mind coupled with his terrifying array of skills creates a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield. To this day, he seeds havoc amongst the denizens of Xbox Live, and aids his allies, whether it is in the field, or of a writing caliber. However, this is not the end of his story, but only the beginning. While surfacing on Halo Fanon in 2010, The Stellar's birthdate goes back at least a millennia. He is widely credited for causing a temporal anomaly which caused a large battle with the French and the British in which they flew pterodactyls into battle before again transposing himself to 1346. When he released his mighty flatulence when he was in China it swept over the Earth, causing the populace to become deathly ill. Eventually he found the means to create this fantastic temporal anomaly again, only to end up a good 38,000 years into the future and into a large room with a golden toilet with a mummified, skeletal husk resting upon it. He started snooping around before walking up to the big chair and kicked it, causing something to fall out of place. Fearing the worst, he again opened the portal and found himself in the year of 2010, where he discovered this marvel of technological ingenuity known only as the Internet, and from there on in is history. Anon Anonymous ONI agent, also known as Anon, Anonymous, AOA, Ch1ck3nFr1kaS33, Bailey, and The Banana, is probably the strangest member of the team. While loud, obnoxious, and easily distracted, AOA is nevertheless smarter than he seems... probably. Despite appearing to be capable of using actual tactics (unlike some people), he for some reason almost always insists on instead charging straight into the largest concentration of enemy forces he can see whilst screaming "DIE MOTHERFUCKERS" at the top of his lungs. First spotted in northwestern Minnesota in 1994, AOA was discovered when he rode into a gas station atop a grizzly bear, brandishing an XM25 and wearing nothing aside from a very unhappy albino raccoon tied to his head with fishing line. Upon entering the gas station, he proceeded to scream "מיין לעפל איז געמאכט פון ייַז קרעם אַזוי ווי טאָן איך עסן מיין ייַז קרעם?" repeatedly at the cashier. He was quickly taken into custody by the police, but not before he destroyed seven squad cars with his XM25. Shortly after his arrest, AOA was taken out of the custody of the local authorities by the US Office of Naval Intelligence. The ONI personnel informed AOA that they were aware of his true identity, which was that he was actually an immensely powerful interdimensional being whose true form was that of a member of the ''Musa acuminata'' species, and that he had recently arrived in our universe after leaving an alternate universe in which he conquered the Czech Republic so that he could use the nation's populace as currency. They also offered AOA a job as an ONI agent. This was because ONI sucks in real life and thus never gets any cool shit like the CIA does, and hence wanted something cool for themselves, even if it was an immortal shapeshifting space banana from another dimension that could potentially compromise national security. This was how AOA earned his trademark moniker, "Anonymous ONI agent". AOA served ONI well until 2009, when he discovered a magical invention called "the Internet", and proceeded to become fat, lazy, and useless, resulting in him being fired by ONI. One year later, while searching the web for porn things that totally weren't porn, AOA discovered a site called Halo Fanon. It was through this site that AOA found himself joining the ranks of the elite Halo Fanon Team. Sniper Descended from a long line of farmboys who looked skyward, the entity that would one day be named Sniper wandered from the mist-drenched forests of the Pacific Northwest late in 1993. Initially, he was mistaken for Bigfoot and was forced to go into hiding for years, during which he would discover shaving. Attracted by the local legend, Sniper was accosted by two brothers driving a black Impala and for a short time joined them in their cross-country adventures, learning the trade of sharpshooting by hunting down all manner of beasties, which included abominations spawned from ripples in the fabric of reality created by other future HPT members. Convinced the incidents were connected, he parted ways with the brothers after disagreeing with them on the matter, as well as which diner had the best french fries. While the brothers went on to have a mildly popular TV show, Sniper learned the mysterious entities were gathering in a newborn frontier named the Internet. To combat them, he departed to New York City and acquired what the lore he researched suggested would have an effect in that realm: Web shooters. Entering the electronic dimension via what looked like a Gameboy, Sniper came to the Halo Fanon Wiki by way of taking a wrong exit on the information superhighway, and spent several years lurking quietly in the background with his own machinations. At last, he made his first continuous string of appearances on the Irk in 2012, and at last located his quarries. And also the people he'd been looking for. While his first action was to attempt assassinating them, he somehow was unfortunately entangled in the series of shenanigans which would get the lot of them court-martialed and excommunicated by the very tribunal Sniper was a part of. This paradox has never been explained, but he seems to blame Colin or Stel for the events. At any rate, Sniper accepted that for better or worse, he was stuck with this misfit crew, and fell in among them as the team's long-range specialist. Sniper's specialty is exactly what you would think, often staying well-clear of the usual collateral damage caused by the team's enthusiasm in the field and to pick off enemies from a distance. Despite the inherent to the job, he is one of the more humble members of the team and remains calm and light-hearted in the midst of battle, and though his presence on XBox Live has diminished recently due to technical limitations, he is eager to help newcomers and veterans alike in other ways. Actene Lancer Ell Ell is a former Keyblade wielder who lost all privileges of said magical weapon after using it to open the Chamber of Secrets. She went into exile after learning many terrible Secrets, most notably that Ling Ling's head was never actually recovered and has been replaced by a fake. In this long and laborious exile, she attempted to create her own door to Narnia using a glitchy Stargate as a template. However, she miscalculated and was portal'd to the far distant past, where she was taken prisoner by the Forerunners and used in experiments with the Flood. She escaped infection by reciting Vogon poetry to the Timeless One, which gnawed off seven of its own appendages before banishing her to an alternate universe with Precursor Space Bullshit Magick. Upon arriving in this alternate universe, Ell assumed the name Shepard and lived a carefree life romancing NPCs, punching reporters and buying model starships until the Reapers threatened to end the human race. She destroyed them by summoning Nyan Cat, who proceeded to fuse with the Crucible and blast lethal RAINBOWS which obliterated the Reapers in a massive burst of pop tart filling. This explosion created a temporal anomaly which catapulted her to the year 2010, and she attended college in order to gather evidence of Templar influence in the American education system. It was during this deep cover mission that she became part of Halo Fanon, where she continues to dabble in fanfiction to this day. Her objective is now to ascertain the location of Treasure Planet and rally a crew for the expedition, which will also include finding Ling Ling's head. Ell's assets are many and varied, including but not limited to the following: the Tenth Doctor's sonic, the information-gathering AI Cleverbot, an army of Emus which remains undefeated to this day, a Palantir, and the Fist of Rukt. She is allergic to mummies. Her fighting style is mostly picking off stragglers or operating vehicles she is definitely not certified to drive. She is not known for her subtlety or her skill with precision weapons. Attempting to read her mind may result in cerebral hemorrhage, vivid hallucinations, the sudden urge to yodel, or exploding eyeballs. She works for Disney World and feeds the souls of naughty children to The Dark One in her spare time. Kestrl Born of the cold and damp British Islands comes the man known only as, The Pale Kestrl. No one know's where Kestrl came from when he wandered out from the empty fields of Britain into the spot light of internet to do battle with it's foul mouthed inhabitance. Some say that he was formed during the first tumultuous seconds of the universes creation as the source of all gentlemanliness. Others believe that he was born from genetic engineering in a far off land to lead humanity into a golden age. Some yet still maintain that he comes from a long line of noble warrior gentlemen sworn to forever face off against their eternal enemy, the poor people. No one knows for sure for Kestrl is a man consumed by his mission...whatever it is, and has no time to discuss the nature of his crusade with others. Recently it has occurred to him that he may not be able to complete his mission alone, the internet is a vast place covered in those that need a good smiting. To this end he has set forth to find others that share his same vision, ones he could count on in the dark times ahead. One of the groups that he discovered during his travels was the HPT Team. Seeing the potential for good in the men and women there in the Lord Gentleman attached himself to them seeking to turn their writing and martial talents to acts of great good and gentlemanliness. Kestrl knows that dark times are approaching and one day and all would be tested greatly in the fires of a war unlike anything that has come before. On the battlefield Kestrl acts in a way that his personality wouldn't suggest. Though quiet in demeanour Kestrl in full battle frenzy is akin to a sword. Charging at the enemy, brandishing either a weapon of sufficiently high fire-power or something designed to get up close with the hated foe, he will smash all asunder moving from target to target like a whirlwind of blows and bullets. Few can withstand such an attack for when the Lord of Gentlemen is on the march, non can stay his wrath....well mostly. LOMI Sona Ajax 013 *Insults *Threats *Mind Powers |equipment= |vehicles=Whatever I can run you over with |hair= |eyes= |augment= |cyber= |medical= *Mad *Bad |era= |types= |notable= *Can carry whole teams *Insatiable lust for blood *Swore a blood oath to team kill Colin at every opportunity. |affiliation= }} Archenemies of the Party Time crew Karen Traviss Sarah Palmer Buttmaster Extreme Notes